I guess lately my relationship has been forcing me to examine why I have a hard time trusting people.
It’s been difficult to deal with spending every day with A and then suddenly having to only be content with his sporadic texting because of my time in MI over the summer. His communication isn’t fullfilling and because I can’t read his body language, I get frustrated very quickly. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he has made an effort. But undoing an entire lifetime of teachings is difficult and he lapses easily.
This week he’s taking a trip to TX for Burning Flipside. He’s going with two guys friends. One, I’ve met and the other I know next to nothing about. The one I have met, K, I’m not fond of at all. If given the opportunity, I’m not secure in the fact that K wouldn’t encourage A to ‘participate’ in activities. And because there has to be something wrong with my thought process, there’s a part of me that isn’t sure if A would say no or not. Maybe this is what sparked all of my feelings.
Let me make this part clear, A has never given me a reason to think these things. His communication skills suck, yes, but he’s never indicated that he’s interested in anyone else.
So, why do I have this nagging fear? My own insecurities? Is there a strong portion of me that thinks I’m not worth another person’s time? Most of my relationships (both romantical and friendship) end fairly quickly. I move a lot and I feel that impacts some of my thought processes when it comes to my personal relationships. More and more, I realise I have trust issues, without having an actual reason why. He hasn’t given me one. I’ve never been heartbroken before. So where does it stem from?
If his communication skills are what spark my insecurities, why is that? I’m used to a lot more involvement in my relationships. My best friend and I talk on a regular basis and she answers questions in a full way where I feel like we’re both honest and open with each other. Maybe I’m missing that in A’s and my relationship.
Or maybe I’m projecting my own thoughts and feelings into this relationship and expecting him to know how to fix me. But he can’t. I have to be able to fix myself.